The Southern Charms Fan Box

Need advice, hoping some of you ladies can give me a female perspective.

How do you apologize to someone who is so mad at you that they don't want to listen to your apology?

There's a woman I've known for about a year and a half now. We haven't dated much but we've become very close in other ways. She's going through some very rough times right now. About a year ago she finally divorced from an abusive husband after staying with him for WAY too long raising her three daughters. Immediately after leaving him, she found someone she thought was the perfect guy. Turns out he was a closet heroin addict. Relapsed a couple of months ago and has spent the past few months trying to get him out of her life - she's still not rid of him yet.

About a month ago, she reaches me thru Facebook and says "You win. I miss you and I can't stop thinking about you." We start talking more and she seemed genuinely interested in finally starting to pursue a true relationship together once she can figure out how to get rid of the addict.

Late last night, about 11pm, she set me a text message that sounded very depressing, almost suicidal, talking about hating her life and what it's become. When I tried replying and calling, she didn't answer so I went over to her place.

Boyfriend answered the door. I politely explained that I was a friend of hers, she sent me a message that said she wasn't feeling well and I wanted to check up on her. He said she was sleeping. Not wanting to create a scene, I said "Just tell her that I stopped by" and I left. About 10 minutes later she sends me a furious text saying I went too far. She also blocked me from contacting her through FB, effectively cut me out of her life.

Part of me says she's right, that I overreacted and crossed some kind of line. Another part of me thinks that this is just extreme anger because of all the stress she's been under and she'll come around eventually. Either way, I want her to at least hear my side of it - I got scared and was concerned for her well-being. Apparently, I'm wrong for caring about her.

For the record, my attempts at other female relationships over the years has been less than stellar. Collectively, they're something along the lines of Wile E Coyote chasing the Road Runner.

Should I wait things out, maybe she's still coming to terms with the divorce and dealing with the other guy? Or am I wasting my time, that if she was serious, she'd be putting more effort into us in the first place?

I am sorry things aren't going as you hoped.
It's quite possible that you stopping by started hell in her house. She may be blocking you as an act of protection for herself. Addicts are not known to be stable personalities.
My personal feelings on this are:
1) you can send her an email and let her know that you were just concerned for her welfare after the disturbing text you received. Then leave it alone.
2) you can try to bump into her in a public place and see how she reacts to seeing you. In this case don't keep doing it, and do not approach her if she tries to avoid you. If she doesn't try to avoid you then calmly say I was worried about you, it's good to see you are okay. And leave it like that.
3) you can just leave it alone completely.

I think if you are ready to accept she will be at most a friend in your life then the email option is your best bet. I think if you were a serious contender for relationship material, then she wouldn't only come to you when her other relationships are souring.
I hope things get better for you. And I am sure you will eventually meet someone who is your perfect match.

I don't mean to sound blunt, but it could be that she just wants you as a shoulder to cry on, a back up friend, or something like that.

I mean seriously, she's so mad at you she won't listen to an apology? First off, YOU were being a GENUINE friend. You were concerned about her. So what's she got to be mad at? Because you went to her place and her BF answered the door? If she doesn't care for this guy, then what's he still doing at her place?

She sends you a text saying you went too far?
Sounds like she's mad at you for trying to be a friend to her.
Not a valid reason for her to be mad.

So you think you need to apologize for...why???

I guess I'm lost here. Cuz the way I see it, this woman is jerking your chain.
Wanting attention from you on HER terms, HER time frame, HER decision.
Leaving you hanging on to what?

She's definitely not being a friend to you.

So I have to ask, do you truly care for her?
If so, then you have to decide if the relationship is worth it. But I hope you keep in mind how she's been apparently playing with your feelings and stringing you along.

If you care for her, then by all means try and explain your side.
But don't push too hard.
Email her once and let it go after that.

I was already suspecting that a lot of what Serena was saying could be true and in the past hour, I got my proof.

Less than 24 hours after this issue between her and I, I get a threatening voice mail from her ex-husband. As soon as I heard who it was and where he was going with the message, I deleted it - didn't even bother listening to the whole thing. Within a few minutes, she texts me "I'm sorry." I also searched for her profile on FB and it's visible again after being blocked since the incident last night.

All this seems like too much of a coincidence to be natural. At this point, I think she's one of those people who for some strange reason enjoys turmoil and chaos in her life because on some level she's afraid of living a calm, relaxing existence.

And you might be the "Dick in a Glass Case". Basically, one only breaks the glass in case of emergency... or too much tequila. Translation: Friend-zoned.

If you're getting this much drama from her and you're NOT in a relationship - just imagine the shit you'd have to put up with to be in a relationship with her. My two cents? Not worth it, move on to a female who doesn't have psychotic/threatening/heroin addicted exes. Or at least one that isn't all chummy with her exes like that.